I’ve been seeing posters for The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds for almost a year now. Well, I’ll have to wait another six months to see this gem as it is only be released in June 2009.
Yes, I said Sandra Bullock. Yes, someone gave her work. And no, I have no idea why. She plays an evil Canadian woman (because we’re delightfully foreign) and her assistant is played by Ryan Reynolds’ favourite character: a bumbling idiot.
A series of things I don't care about
The plot, as far as I can tell, involves flying to Alaska and faking an engagement so that Bullock doesn’t get deported and Ryan doesn’t lose his job. There is some random eight-year old sexual humor. One redeeming quality in this movie is “grandma” played by Betty White who gets to feel up Sandra Bullock and make fun of her small breasts. I’m not kidding, something along the lines of “It’s like an easter egg hunt…” We’ve all been thinking it; Betty White as the nerve to say it.
So, if you like stupid fake romantic comedies with no discernible value whatsoever, I suggest you start waiting in line now because this one is going to sell out.
– Gordon
A magical tale of the unfortunately named Skeeter (played by Adam Sandler) that deals with the hallucinatory world constantly trying to murder him. Every night two young children – who inexplicably have a new iMac in their bedroom – detail the horrors that will befall poor, barely vertebrate Skeeter the next day. From the moment a hideously mutated guinea pig is placed on Skeeter’s head, we know he’s in for a terrible time of things.
These children are cruel in the extreme: a vicious rain of gumballs strike the soft top of Skeeter’s head, causing him to forget the most basic ideas (don’t spray yourself in the face with an aerosol can) and render him nearly unable to communicate without sounding like he had to retake gradeschool. The children threaten to set him ablaze with a ball of fire, Skeeter’s car radio echoing back their dark promises at every station he plays.
- The umbrella was a nice thought, but the damage was done
Eventually Skeeter retreats further and further into insanity, imagining himself as an extreme chariot-rider, a greedy cowboy, and a variety of other mundane fantasies that serve to shield his broken mind from his eventual demise when the children tire of their plaything.
A harrowing look into the twisted face of madness and the unfeeling apathy of youth, this movie chills you to the bone, gripping your face with the skeletal claws of harsh and unyielding reality.
–scott
Is there anybody out there? Is there anyone…at all?
Blame GTA IV for my absence…I don’t know what the rest of these jerks have been up to.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
phil: The Fight Club of the 70s.
will: As much as I love Malcolm McDowell’s acting I’ll never forgive his white jumpsuit. It’s burned into my eyes like Hitler is burned into his. I wish real life had milk bars.
paul: Most well-choreographed braining scene of Kubrick’s film career. And since the victim is a British oaf, you don’t feel sympathy!
scott: Darth Vader is in this movie, only this time around, he’s slightly less imposing. Or slightly more, depending on your attitude towards short shorts.
Alien (1979)
phil: Am I the only person who finds it weird that the androids in these movies bleed a semen-like fluid?
will: This movie rules. Also, if I could go back in time, I’m 99% sure I would have a son who is older than me and whose last name is Weaver. That’s my weird way of saying that Sigourney is ridiculously hot. Giant curly mullet and all.
paul: I don’t watch this movie for the alien, more for Sigorney Weaver’s paper-thin panties in the final bit. Hoorah!
scott: If you showed this movie to Sigmund Freud, his beard would burst into flame, and he’d spin around like a top, digging himself underground while making whooping noises.
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
phil: The There Will Be Blood of the late 40s.
will: I heard that the treasure is actually just a crappy old baseball glove. Wait, that’s Casper starring Christiana Ricci.
paul: Bogey does his proto-Indiana Jones, except in this version, Indy is mad, MAD for gold! GOLD I TELLS YA!! *shoots old men*
scott: I bet if you found a treasure in current times, it would either be seized by the government under some stupid land law or would be taxed into oblivion. I yearn for the days when a pocket full of One Eyed Willy’s jewels was enough to save the family homestead and you could live happily ever after with a deformed retard.
Laberinto del fauno, El (2006)
phil: At last a fantasy movie for nerdy commies.
will: How is this ahead of the other movie about Labyrinths? I forget the name of it but I think it had David Bowie in it. You know, the one where Jennifer Connelly is in a labyrinth of some sort. What is that movie called? Argh, never mind. It’ll come to me.
paul: For a film based on so much ancient mythology, there isn’t nearly enough animal-fucking…
scott: La la la la what a sweet tale of childhoo–BOTTLE TO FACE!!! Horrifying, just horrifying.
The Shining (1980)
phil: Scatman Crothers = best Magic Negro of all time.
will: All Kubrick and no editing makes film a very dull time.
paul: The one Stephen King story that doesn’t have inherent, gratuitous scrotal shrinkage. Good thing Kubrick adds it in himself, so you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.
scott: I call this movie “My Plan for Retirement,” minus Shelley Duvall, because yikes.
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
phil: I don’t ‘get’ foreign movies. People on IMDB are so pretentious!
will: There’s just something so magical about a movie winning an Oscar when its genre is known by most people as a place to see a giant tentacle rape a girl. Thanks, anime! See also: Drama, Comedy, Foreign, and Musical. Then again, I could be biased… maybe I should stop exclusively watching movies like “Million Dollar Tendril” and “Grease(d Octopus Leg)” so I have a bit more perspective on film in general.
paul: For a film based on so much ancient Japanese mythology, there isn’t nearly enough shit-demon fucking…
scott: I will choose to associate Japan with their awesome vending machines where used panties are just a few coins away rather than…wait, why did I choose that?
The Pianist (2002)
phil: Contrary to popular belief, Adrien Brody is NOT Jewish. Gosh, you people & your stereotypes!
will: You know what the name of this movie sounds like? Do you? Oh man, you totally do. I don’t even need to say it. Oh, I’m going to say it anyway! LABYRINTH!! THAT was the movie I was thinking of earlier. God, that feels good! What was I talking about again?
paul: Hint: whenever you see Adrien Brody playing the piano in this movie, think of Roman Polanski stroking his member. This film is a big metaphor for ego-masturbation. Oh, and the Nazis are the big, bad American lawmen who seek to bring his statutory-raping cock to justice.
scott: I tried to see this movie four times, but could never say the title without giggling like an immature twat. Which I do often.
Double Indemnity (1944)
phil: It’s a fact that all the essential film noir [co-]stars Edward G. Robinson.
will: The Penis. I was talking about The Penis. What is Double Indemnity, anyway?
paul: Fred MacMurray’s eyebrows in this film noir are like Jesus popping up during the Superbowl… It’s really just icing on the cake.
scott: Your double indemnity wasn’t enough to protect you from the Spoilerist! Wait, 1944? Oh, you’re all dead. Never mind.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
phil: There is no movie that is more annoyingly overquoted than this.
will: There was this kid who sat in front of me in one of my English classes who quoted this film at least once a day, directly to me, in a scratchy, noisy falsetto voice, for an entire school year. I almost hated British people forever for subjecting me to that torture via him. Then I got my head on straight and realized who I should actually hate: the terrorists.
paul: Finally, a movie shows that even the greatest legend in Western civilization is covered up in shit-strewn, diseased peasantry. But this one is more of a documentary on how to make an historical epic. For real Arthurian comedy, watch First Knight (1995).
scott: I can’t say anything about this movie that I didn’t already say in a slightly higher-pitched voice back when I was fifteen.
Forrest Gump (1994)
phil: I hear that this was loosely based on the memoirs of George W. Bush.
will: More like “Snorest Dump!” Get it? Because it’s boring and shit? Oh, never mind. TOM HANKS! (more like Bum Wanks, am I right?)
paul: Only a retard is successful in America. This movie IS historical fact.
scott: Clearly Forrest Gump was a high ranking member of the Illuminati with a very hands-on approach. Hopefully this post makes it to the Internet so the truth can be known.
The basic premise is this: a signal has been broadcasting from the television and over the phone lines, and the longer your exposure, the more erratic your behavior becomes. This sets the stage for a lot of very creative and very graphic violence. As the movie progresses, the characters get caught up in their various delusions to
the
For example, the…
…wait, was I supposed to bring a shovel to this party? I didn’t know it was a theme party…what’s the theme, is it shovels or gardening? But then why do you have a golf club? WHY DO YOU HAVE A GOLF CLUB?!?! SOMEONE TELL ME
SONMEIONE TELL ME WHGAY SHE HAS A GOL,DF CLUB
WHY IS THERE A CLUB
YOU’RE FNOT CLUGGING ME
NOT WITH THAT CLUB\
hahashahHHaHAHAHAHAHHAAHI RUN THIS
tuhis shit
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