I’ve been seeing posters for The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds for almost a year now. Well, I’ll have to wait another six months to see this gem as it is only be released in June 2009.

Yes, I said Sandra Bullock.  Yes, someone gave her work.  And no, I have no idea why.  She plays an evil Canadian woman (because we’re delightfully foreign) and her assistant is played by Ryan Reynolds’ favourite character: a bumbling idiot.

A series of things I don't care about

The plot, as far as I can tell, involves flying to Alaska and faking an engagement so that Bullock doesn’t get deported and Ryan doesn’t lose his job.  There is some random eight-year old sexual humor. One redeeming quality in this movie is “grandma” played by Betty White who gets to feel up Sandra Bullock and make fun of her small breasts.  I’m not kidding, something along the lines of “It’s like an easter egg hunt…”  We’ve all been thinking it; Betty White as the nerve to say it.

So, if you like stupid fake romantic comedies with no discernible value whatsoever, I suggest you start waiting in line now because this one is going to sell out.

– Gordon

A magical tale of the unfortunately named Skeeter (played by Adam Sandler) that deals with the hallucinatory world constantly trying to murder him. Every night two young children - who inexplicably have a new iMac in their bedroom - detail the horrors that will befall poor, barely vertebrate Skeeter the next day. From the moment a hideously mutated guinea pig is placed on Skeeter’s head, we know he’s in for a terrible time of things.

These children are cruel in the extreme: a vicious rain of gumballs strike the soft top of Skeeter’s head, causing him to forget the most basic ideas (don’t spray yourself in the face with an aerosol can) and render him nearly unable to communicate without sounding like he had to retake gradeschool. The children threaten to set him ablaze with a ball of fire, Skeeter’s car radio echoing back their dark promises at every station he plays.

Eventually Skeeter retreats further and further into insanity, imagining himself as an extreme chariot-rider, a greedy cowboy, and a variety of other mundane fantasies that serve to shield his broken mind from his eventual demise when the children tire of their plaything.

A harrowing look into the twisted face of madness and the unfeeling apathy of youth, this movie chills you to the bone, gripping your face with the skeletal claws of harsh and unyielding reality.

–scott

Is there anybody out there? Is there anyone…at all?

Blame GTA IV for my absence…I don’t know what the rest of these jerks have been up to.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

phil: The Fight Club of the 70s.

will: As much as I love Malcolm McDowell’s acting I’ll never forgive his white jumpsuit. It’s burned into my eyes like Hitler is burned into his. I wish real life had milk bars.

paul: Most well-choreographed braining scene of Kubrick’s film career. And since the victim is a British oaf, you don’t feel sympathy!

scott: Darth Vader is in this movie, only this time around, he’s slightly less imposing. Or slightly more, depending on your attitude towards short shorts.

Alien (1979)

phil: Am I the only person who finds it weird that the androids in these movies bleed a semen-like fluid?

will: This movie rules. Also, if I could go back in time, I’m 99% sure I would have a son who is older than me and whose last name is Weaver. That’s my weird way of saying that Sigourney is ridiculously hot. Giant curly mullet and all.

paul: I don’t watch this movie for the alien, more for Sigorney Weaver’s paper-thin panties in the final bit. Hoorah!

scott: If you showed this movie to Sigmund Freud, his beard would burst into flame, and he’d spin around like a top, digging himself underground while making whooping noises.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

phil: The There Will Be Blood of the late 40s.

will: I heard that the treasure is actually just a crappy old baseball glove. Wait, that’s Casper starring Christiana Ricci.

paul: Bogey does his proto-Indiana Jones, except in this version, Indy is mad, MAD for gold! GOLD I TELLS YA!! *shoots old men*

scott: I bet if you found a treasure in current times, it would either be seized by the government under some stupid land law or would be taxed into oblivion. I yearn for the days when a pocket full of One Eyed Willy’s jewels was enough to save the family homestead and you could live happily ever after with a deformed retard.

Laberinto del fauno, El (2006)

phil: At last a fantasy movie for nerdy commies.

will: How is this ahead of the other movie about Labyrinths? I forget the name of it but I think it had David Bowie in it. You know, the one where Jennifer Connelly is in a labyrinth of some sort. What is that movie called? Argh, never mind. It’ll come to me.

paul: For a film based on so much ancient mythology, there isn’t nearly enough animal-fucking…

scott: La la la la what a sweet tale of childhoo–BOTTLE TO FACE!!! Horrifying, just horrifying.

The Shining (1980)

phil: Scatman Crothers = best Magic Negro of all time.

will: All Kubrick and no editing makes film a very dull time.

paul: The one Stephen King story that doesn’t have inherent, gratuitous scrotal shrinkage. Good thing Kubrick adds it in himself, so you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

scott: I call this movie “My Plan for Retirement,” minus Shelley Duvall, because yikes.

Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)

phil: I don’t ‘get’ foreign movies. People on IMDB are so pretentious!

will: There’s just something so magical about a movie winning an Oscar when its genre is known by most people as a place to see a giant tentacle rape a girl. Thanks, anime! See also: Drama, Comedy, Foreign, and Musical. Then again, I could be biased… maybe I should stop exclusively watching movies like “Million Dollar Tendril” and “Grease(d Octopus Leg)” so I have a bit more perspective on film in general.

paul: For a film based on so much ancient Japanese mythology, there isn’t nearly enough shit-demon fucking…

scott: I will choose to associate Japan with their awesome vending machines where used panties are just a few coins away rather than…wait, why did I choose that?

The Pianist (2002)

phil: Contrary to popular belief, Adrien Brody is NOT Jewish. Gosh, you people & your stereotypes!

will: You know what the name of this movie sounds like? Do you? Oh man, you totally do. I don’t even need to say it. Oh, I’m going to say it anyway! LABYRINTH!! THAT was the movie I was thinking of earlier. God, that feels good! What was I talking about again?

paul: Hint: whenever you see Adrien Brody playing the piano in this movie, think of Roman Polanski stroking his member. This film is a big metaphor for ego-masturbation. Oh, and the Nazis are the big, bad American lawmen who seek to bring his statutory-raping cock to justice.

scott: I tried to see this movie four times, but could never say the title without giggling like an immature twat. Which I do often.

Double Indemnity (1944)

phil: It’s a fact that all the essential film noir [co-]stars Edward G. Robinson.

will: The Penis. I was talking about The Penis. What is Double Indemnity, anyway?

paul: Fred MacMurray’s eyebrows in this film noir are like Jesus popping up during the Superbowl… It’s really just icing on the cake.

scott: Your double indemnity wasn’t enough to protect you from the Spoilerist! Wait, 1944? Oh, you’re all dead. Never mind.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

phil: There is no movie that is more annoyingly overquoted than this.

will: There was this kid who sat in front of me in one of my English classes who quoted this film at least once a day, directly to me, in a scratchy, noisy falsetto voice, for an entire school year. I almost hated British people forever for subjecting me to that torture via him. Then I got my head on straight and realized who I should actually hate: the terrorists.

paul: Finally, a movie shows that even the greatest legend in Western civilization is covered up in shit-strewn, diseased peasantry. But this one is more of a documentary on how to make an historical epic. For real Arthurian comedy, watch First Knight (1995).

scott: I can’t say anything about this movie that I didn’t already say in a slightly higher-pitched voice back when I was fifteen.

Forrest Gump (1994)

phil: I hear that this was loosely based on the memoirs of George W. Bush.

will: More like “Snorest Dump!” Get it? Because it’s boring and shit? Oh, never mind. TOM HANKS! (more like Bum Wanks, am I right?)

paul: Only a retard is successful in America. This movie IS historical fact.

scott: Clearly Forrest Gump was a high ranking member of the Illuminati with a very hands-on approach. Hopefully this post makes it to the Internet so the truth can be known.

I love zombies. Not in the creepy Internet I-want-to-have-sex-with-zombies way, but in the way a man loves a fine cigar or the sound of his arch-enemy’s skull being crushed beneath a fresh tire.

I’ve watched most zombie movies, I’ve played zombie computer and video games, I’ve read zombie books and listened to the audiobook versions of the zombie books. (Consider this an invitation to our four readers to send me links to awesome zombie things I might not have seen or heard.) Continue reading →

The basic premise is this: a signal has been broadcasting from the television and over the phone lines, and the longer your exposure, the more erratic your behavior becomes. This sets the stage for a lot of very creative and very graphic violence. As the movie progresses, the characters get caught up in their various delusions to

the

For example, the…

…wait, was I supposed to bring a shovel to this party? I didn’t know it was a theme party…what’s the theme, is it shovels or gardening? But then why do you have a golf club? WHY DO YOU HAVE A GOLF CLUB?!?! SOMEONE TELL ME

SONMEIONE TELL ME WHGAY SHE HAS A GOL,DF CLUB

WHY IS THERE A CLUB

YOU’RE FNOT CLUGGING ME

NOT WITH THAT CLUB\

hahashahHHaHAHAHAHAHHAAHI RUN THIS

tuhis shit

i runs

it

88888888888888888eighteighteightwaiteighteightyou/

10

–sssssssssssssssscotttt

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No, I’m not dead. I just ran out of clever things to say about movies for a while, and also didn’t see any worth commenting on.

So here we go.

Mos Def works in a video store that is owned by Danny Glover, who is clearly too old for this shit. So old, in fact, that his store rents out nothing but VHS tapes in a time when VCRs are defunct technology, forgotten by the entire video rental industry.

Jack Black likes to hang out at this video store, to the detriment of Danny Glover’s character, because Jack Black plays a paranoid weirdo who lives in a van that sits in a junk yard next to a transformer station, and he bothers the customers. One day, Jack’s character decides he’s going to sabotage the station, but his plan backfires and he becomes magnetised. Remember what happens to VHS tapes when they’re around really powerful magnets? Well, that’s what happens to all of the tapes in Danny Glover’s
store.

Since Danny Glover’s business hinges on having VHS tapes with movies on them, and the building his business resides in is condemned, Jack Black and Mos Def scramble to find ways to cover up this horrible tragedy. Their first instinct to is recycle all of those tapes and remake all of the movies themselves with a VHS home video camera.

You’d think this might result in a lot of angry customers, but it turns out that the people in this community are all awesome and love every single “Sweded” remake. The store becomes an instant neighbourhood cultural phenomenon, and soon everyone is lining up around the block to rent no-budget remakes.

Eventually, the MPAA, represented by Sigourney Weaver, gets wind of this operation and behave like the assholes they are, destroying every single tape in the store. But since everyone in the neighbourhood is awesome, they all get together and make a whole new movie of their own about a local imaginary legend.

In short, this movie is hilarious and inspiring, and also an instruction manual for how to bring people together with low-budget film making.

I don’t know why any of the other reviews I’ve read about this movie have been particularly negative, or why two of the four other people that were there spent the $20 to get in and left ten minutes into it. I guess some people just have no imagination. I’ll admit there were some loose ends, but they don’t really detract from everything else that makes it good.

I give this movie 11.3/10

-illuminoid

Here! Read these! I’ll add links later or something to that end.

Amelie

phil: If I had my own miniature pig to turn off the bedside lamp for me, I would’ve taken far less crap from my mum for falling asleep with the light on.

paul: Good. *cough* (Sorry, I can’t think of anything smarmy to say about this one).

will: This movie is Type II Diabetes on 35mm film. And no, I don’t mean that in the “good” way. Why did you even think there was a “good” way to have diabetes? You’re awful.

cara:
It’s all so charming and French that you kind of forget that nothing really happens.

American History X

phil: I kind of wished that this movie was a retelling of American history by the Nation of Islam.

paul: Mental note: Never put your huge frikkin’ swastika tattoo where you can’t grow some nice concealin’ hair.

will: Ed Norton, Sinead O’Connor and Adolf Hitler buddy flick! Awesome!

cara:
I really expected this to be a biopic about Malcom X.

The Departed

phil: Suffers from ‘Oh no, we’ve got too many plot holes & loose ends & we don’t know how to end the movie so let’s kill off everybody!’

paul: Martin Sheen scores the coolest death scene in 2000 and 6. “AAAAAEEEIIGGH!!!” *SPLAT!*

will: Why this movie rules: take a bunch of celebrated actors, throw in Marky Mark, have Marky Mark show up celebrated actors with wicked Boston accent and total wickedawesomeness. Matt Damon, please retire.

cara:
Solidifies how much we hate Matt Damon and love Mark Whalberg.

Paths of Glory

phil: I’ve lost track of how many war movies are on this list.

paul: I find Kubrick tedious… Spartacus was better. Kirk Douglas’s chin distracts you from his manly loincloth.

will: I haven’t seen it, but I like the word “paths.” Good word to say out loud. “Paths.”

cara:
I haven’t seen it, but I’ll bet it’s edited with great prejudice.

M

phil: When I was younger, I thought that this movie was a James Bond prequel.

paul: The idea that Germans would gather together to kill a psychotic, compulsive murderer instead of following him? Scoff!

will: Nowhere near the quality of other Criterion releases like “Armageddon” or “The Rock.”

cara:
I pronounce it “Mmmm”

Chinatown

phil: Keep your nose out of other peoples’ business or Roman Polanski will cut you.

paul: Nicholson hides his post-surgery cyst wound behind a bandage. Production saved!

will: Never seen it. Fun fact: I actually hate movies. So I’ll take this opportunity to talk about Americna Gladiators. MAN AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS SO GOOD I LIKE TITAN AND WOLF THE BEST~!

cara:
I seriously can’t dislike anything Polanski’s ever done.

To Kill a Mockingbird

phil: To high school students who hate reading: ditch the Coles Notes & watch the movie instead. You’ll probably get the same mark anyway -> C+.

paul: Begins the legal film subgenre: Literate-honourable-flawless-white-man-defends-America.
will: I’m glad that this movie came out and solved all of those racism problems in America OH WAIT WAT IS JENA SIX PLZ SOUNDS LIEK A PORN STAR NAME.

cara:
Saved countess high school children from having to read required literature.

The Third Man

phil: 150 times better than ‘Citizen Kane.’

paul: Few people know that this was the last film where Welles appeared MOVING… All subsequent films were shot strictly above paunch-concealing dinner tables. Unicron will CONSUME you!

will: The movie least likely to win the NBA’s annual “Sixth Man” award.

cara:
Orson Welles’ persona is big enough to be the first three dudes plus the fourth, fifth and sixth men.

The Lives of Others

phil: I guess the late Ulrich Muhe was sick of bad things happening to him in Michael Haneke movies. Anyways, he’s pretty friendly for a bureaucrat.

paul: There is a little known fetish in Germany called audio-voyeurism, or “People who wear really big headphones while fucking”. This movie celebrates that fact.

will: Ich habe diesen Film nie gesehen.
Es tut mir leid. Ich liebe Kinder zu essen zu Mittag.

cara:
Is this about voyeurism?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

phil: I’m sure having a spotless mind involves shock treatment & possibly a lobotomy.

paul: Fun IMDB fact: Nicholas Cage was up for the lead in this film. Wow. I just vomited a bit.

will: Fact: I liked every single person attached to this film more before I saw it. Proof that a movie can in fact be LESS than the sum of its parts.

cara:
The cast and sweet old school special effects distract you from the fact that this film is boring.

50/250 

There’s something I found was lacking in all of the kid fantasy movies that have come out recently… Narnia, Terabitha, The Golden Compass, they all lacked one key element. Well, I have found that secret! They didn’t have any Nick Nolte! Whisper it with me now, children: “nicknolte“!

Yes, Nick Nolte is in this movie, and yes, he reprises his role as ogrish, child-eating monster from 48 Hours, Another 48 Hours, Mother Night, and The Peaceful Warrior.

Really, I can’t say too much that’s bad about this film; especially since it’s designed based on the work of one of my favourite fantasy artists, Tony Diterlizzi. His goblins are wicked (bad and good), and the story is well crafted, if not a tad formulaic. The pretty eyecandies made this forgivable though, and I quite enjoyed it when the film shows how more ogrish a kid’s family can seem relative to the freaky creatures just out-of-doors.

That kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is in it, and he is pretty brilliant, playing both halves of a set of twins. His acting and the sublime special effects actually fooled me a couple of times into thinking that the two brothers were played by different people. That, I think is the triumph of this film’s design. Kudos to the writers for keeping little story things like Jared’s anger issues, and the family’s collapse following parental separation, which are all pretty badass to show in what is basically a “family movie” (God, I swear my testicles shrivelled a little, just there). Oh, shit! I realized I’ve been talking about it for a while, but not giving away much of the plot. I’m an ass! Here goes…

The twins, Jared and Simon Grace, and their rapierist older sister Mallory, fight alot amongst themselves while their mom, recently separated from dad, moves them into a new town, new job, and new creepy old mansion surrounded by faerie creatures who all spit on and eat each other.

Jared, the most hated of the children, finds an old book written by his great-great-uncle Arthur Spiderwick. It seems ol’ great-grandypants was a monster scholar, which in this film’s universe seems to be the equivalent of butterfly-catching, replete with knee-high socks, bermuda shorts, and a nerdy satchel. Ol’ Uncle Spiderwick somehow found out all of the monsters’ behaviours and secrets and wrote them down in his book. Nevermind that he did what would take a thousand zoolooolologists a hundred years to do, the important thing is that he knows all their secrets! Apparently, knowing how the sylphs migrate means you have some absolute power over them. Go figure.

Anyway, Jared breaks the seal on the book, and a big magic whoosh disturbs all of the monsters in the area. (Oops, I forgot to mention that Arthur Spiderwick also learned magic spells as well as the entire supernatural world in a couple of decades). It seems that the goblins are feverish, and chomping at the bit to get the book, being poked from behind with a big ogrish bulge in the form of Mulgoroth the Slayer (NOLTE!).

Mulgoroth wants the book because it will tell him all of the secrets of the invisible monsters and let him kill ‘em. At first, Jared and co. are creeped out because the monsters can become invisible at will. But a helpful hobgoblin horks in their faces, and apparently hobgob gob makes you perceive the realm of magic. There are some chases as goblins and trolls harass the heroes.

Finally the kids have to make a stand at the creepy, old mansion, ala Home Alone. But this is better, because it doesn’t suck as much. Kids get bitten and chomped on by the hideously frog-like goblins, and there is lots of implied limb-severing as the family uses kitchen knives and sabers to keep the lil’ freaks from breaking down the doors. Tomato sauce also burns the monsters like acid, so there’s cool explosions as the gobbos burst into goo after being hit squarely b/w the eyes by a tomato-filled baggie.

Various stuff happens, and there are characters that I’m skipping for time’s sake, but they fight the monsters, and the ogre tries to trick them by shapeshifting to look like their dad, but the kids don’t fall for dad’s happy sudden appearance, so Jared fucking shivs him! Good going, Jared! If a parent tells you he loves you, he’s planning to fuck you up, so’s you gotta stab first! Jared and the ogre tussle some more, and they end up on the roof of the house. The anger-issued kid throws the book over the edge, and tricks !MULGOROTH! into morphing to bird-form to snatch it, just as the hobgoblin sidekick eats him out of the air! I love it when a plan comes together!

7/10

–paul

Please look at the alt text for all the images on this site because they form a treasure map!

It’s a Wonderful Life

phil: Theistic propaganda shown annually at Christmastime. I smell conspiracy.

cara: Until you get Alzheimer’s. Then life is scary and confusing.

will: No it isn’t. And furthermore, fuck you for thinking so. This movie does, however, win for the most arousing line in cinema history: “He’s making violent love to me, mother!” God, I could listen to that soundbite over and over for AT LEAST three minutes.

scott: I don’t want to ruin anyone’s movie experience, but did you know that Jimmy Stewart died anyway? I guess it was all for nothing.

Lawrence of Arabia

phil: Peter O’Toole + Ay-rabs played by actors of various ethnicities. Colour me bored.

cara: A) How can a white dude be “of Arabia”? Colonization, I guess. Plus: This movie is so old that Arabia isn’t even a country anymore. This sucker is more outdated than books about North American politics written pre 9/11.

will: Least Arabian name ever. Well, second least. First place is probably “Cody.”

scott: I would actually watch “Cody of Arabia” if it was made by the fine writers at the WB. Unfortunately that dream died in 2006.

No Country for Old Men

phil: Javier Bardem = enemy to both humans & pigeons.

cara: No no no. You can’t just knock off a Buster Keaton flick because you were well received three months ago… You haven’t even been released in Europe yet.

will: I’m so tired of these movies based on kids books– I mean honestly, Narnia? Harry Potter? Golden Compass? Fucking… Spiderwick Chronicles? No idea how this movie made it into the top 50, but at least it tells you right in the title that it’s not for old men so you can skip it and just send your kids in on their own. They’ll thank you later.

scott: A Brief Guide to Finding a Suitcase Full of Money: Step 1) CHECK SUITCASE FOR TRANSMITTER. Step 2) Avoid rest of movie. (But really, watch this because it’s fantastic.)

The Matrix

phil: I blame this movie for prolonging the usage of Propellerheads’ ‘Spybreak’ in Hollywood action movies. Also noteworthy as a cheap pop culture footnote for Baudrillard-fellating undergrads.

cara: After reading the syllabus for a Film 101 class I had registered for, I realized that I was expected to watch this in the first in-class screening. I explained to the Dean of Cinema (or whatever) that I didn’t need to see The Matrix (again) so I could be nice and warmed up for the final screening of the year: Demonlover (again). We both had a good laugh and I still had to take the class.

will: I’ve shat a better movie. And farted better Kung Fu.

scott: It’s me, I’m the Matrix.

Se7en

phil: Oh look, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head in a box! The UPS costs to ship that thing must’ve been a fortune.

cara: Yeah, but is selenium really greater than ernium?

will: The worst attempt at writing in 1337 that I’ve ever seen. What the hell is a Seten?

scott: I’m on the Internet so I’m sloth and wrath, pretty much all of the time.

Apocalypse Now

phil: Apocalypse no.

cara: If you go to a pub with a jukebox, don’t choose to play “The End” by The Doors. It will remind everyone of the Vietnam War and Marlon Brando… both are big downers.

will: Well… at least it’s better than Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. That’s ONE, by the way, Scott.

scott: APOCALYPSE 2012! GUYS THE MAYANS HAD A CALENDAR AND NOSTRADAMUS FLEW A PLANE INTO THE WTC - and yes, thank you Will.

Taxi Driver

phil: The scene where Harvey Keitel flicks his cigarette at DeNiro is probably one of my favourite movie moments ever.

cara: I’d argue that the Scorsese - De Niro - Keitel trifecta were at their best with Mean Streets but whatever.

will: I haven’t seen it, but how can it possibly be as good as “Analyze That” or “Meet The Fockers” or “Raging Bull 2: Rope-A-Dope Boogaloo”? If it’s DeNiro, it better be a sequel or I’m outta heeeeeeeere.

scott: This movie had way too much violence and not nearly enough taxi driving. I thought it would be like the television show Taxi, but it was slightly less funny.

American Beauty

phil: Do people still rave about this movie? Anyone? Seriously? Has anybody rated it since 2000? Or are people rating it this high for Thora Birch’s boobs?

cara: Should have been about a flick about a race horse. Like Black Beauty but less anti-American.

will: The only good thing about this movie is the fact that it actually ends. The worst part is that it starts. Another cool fact: Kevin Spacey AGAIN is featured expelling mucus-like substances from his frontsnake.

scott: The Dungeons & Dragons movie totally should have danced in the forest of Birch boobs; D&D + skin would have been aces for the box office. I would have seen this movie a third time.

Léon

phil: Further proof that the people ranking movies this high live their waking life on the internet, because I’ve never met a single person who has liked this enough to justify it being ranked in the Top 40.

cara: Dude seriously sucks at cleaning. His windows? Filthy.

will: Is there a large contingent of Internet kiddy-fiddlers? All I can think of when I see thism ovie is how uncomfortable I feel about Nathalie Portman and Jean Reno’s relationship. And Gary Oldman’s awesometude.

scott: No women, no kids? Glass ceiling in the assassination biz!

Vertigo

phil: The only film on IMDB to have ‘nosegay’ as a plot keyword.

cara: Fun fact: Kim Novak had to be coaxed into wearing bras.

will: The first thing I think of when I hear this movie’s name, seriously, is of the most irritating character in the popular Arcade/SNES/Genesis game Primal Rage. There was a Dinosaur called Vertigo, and I hated him. I liked the monkey with the fart attack best.

scott: And that’s VertiSTOP for this installment of IMDb’s Top 250 Movies Slowly Destroyed! Let’s just hope people on IMDb VertiQUIT voting for a while.

40/250

Here’s the third in a series that is awesome to write and horribly time-consuming to format!

The Usual Suspects

will: The only part of this movie I care about is the part where Kevin Spacey talks about being so dehydrated that he was “practically pissing mucus” or something. Good line. The rest is forgettable whodunit wank and I hate the internet for considering it the 21st best movie of all time.

paul: Good movie, but it has one fatal flaw: Gabriel Byrne dies? NOBODY can kill Gabriel Byrne; not even Gabriel Byrne himself…

scott: I’ve never been really dehydrated, but part of me wants to film a commercial for facial tissues based on this mucus-pissing premise. I should probably shelve that along with the “Bounty: The Quicker Miscarriage Picker-Upper” idea I had.

cara: My parents still won’t let me watch this one because it’s got too much Kevin Spacey.

phil: Kevin Spacey as Keyser Soze. Yawn.

Psycho

will: How do you spell that stabbing sound?

paul: Will, it’s “RHRANGH! RHRANGH! RHRANGH! RHRANGH!” , then it slowly goes “DA-Dooo, DAH-dahhh”. (Makes me think this film was scored by our collective friend Jason P.)

scott: This movie explains my fear of showers. And soap. Personal hygiene is really scary overall.

cara: I’ve only seen the first 20 mins of 24hour Psycho. If that is any indication of what the original is like, then it is needlessly long without much action.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1724372

phil: Anthony Perkins has mommy issues.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

will: I stopped worrying and loved the bomb by simply using “da bomb” as a term of endearment. “DOCTOR STRANGELOVE OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB? THAT MOVIE’S DA BOMB! YOU GO GIRL!”

paul: Best James Earl Jones film except for Coming to America; best argument against fluoridation of drinking water, and best film with an itemized list of bubble gum and colt .45s.

scott: Dr. Strangelove used to be my nickname until I realized there was no love in what I was doing to others.

cara: IMDb suggests that if you like this film you will also like Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks.

phil: The only thing better than Peter Sellers is Peter Sellers X 3 [+ Sterling Hayden, George C. Scott & Slim Pickens].

P.S. Slim Pickens is the awesomest pun name ever.

Citizen Kane

will: I wonder how many people voted this movie ten without ever actually having seen it. I really do.

paul: This movie is sooo about a guy with an inadequately sized penis (which coincidentally describes the life story of most “successful” men of industry).

scott: It’s a good thing he whispered “Rosebud” so loudly or this whole movie wouldn’t exist. Remember kids, it’s important to project that dying breath.

cara: Try being a film history student and writing something that hasn’t been said about this film 20,000 times already. I dare you. The only option is to conclude that it sucks. This is why contemporary film professors and critics force themselves to hate the shit out of Citizen Kane.

phil: Orson Welles has done much better.

(scott’s note: I assume phil is talking about the following video)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5LkDNu8bVU]

The Silence of the Lambs

will: All you need is a good mangina to make the top 25 movies. Prospective directors take note.

paul: The skin of fat girls makes the best leather-o’-humans outfits. They’re stretchy and have a pebbly finish to their hides that is simply fabulous!

scott: Caution: the phrase “I can smell your cunt” is never appropriate as a way to answer the phone, even if you’re a gynecologist.

cara: The soundtrack is killer. Ahahahahaha — I’m serious. It’s super subtle and perfect. “Hip Priest” by The Fall plays in the background on a radio at one point.

phil: Fulfilling the void of tranny serial killers in film.

Fight Club

will: This list feels like it is “as voted by the thirty-six students in Ms. Kingston’s Grade 11 shop class” more and more with every flick they post.

paul: What the crap?!?

scott: I started one of these once, but its members were way more interested in beating me and stealing my wallet (strangely no commentary about my future as a veterinarian) than they were in the mass production of novelty soap. Lesson learned, I guess. Oh, and I suppose I watched this movie before Psycho - otherwise my little article-specific narrative contradicts itself.

cara: I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

phil: It seems that since this movie has been made, Meat Loaf has had a breast reduction.

North by Northwest

will: Due to its high placement on this list, and its name, and the writers’ strike, expect a word-for-word remake in 2009 or 2010 entitled “NXNW.” Starring Sean Connery and Scarlett Johansson.

paul: This movie proves why biplanes were evil and thusly outlawed by the government in the now famous, “Mr. Theodore Fipple v. That Rat Bastard Crop-Duster who gave Me Cancer”

scott: I was going to write a joke here but then I read Scarlett Johansson’s name and I lost focus for about half an hour.*

cara: Why is Billy Wilder’s The Apartment (1960) not on this list yet?

phil: Better than hopping from bar to bar during NXNE.

Memento

will: I’m not kidding, guys. GRADE ELEVEN SHOP CLASS.

paul: Carrie-Anne Moss hocks a loogie into a beer mug and thusly, another one of my wet dreams makes it onto the silver screen…

scott: And that concludes the series IMDb’s Top 250 Movies Slowly Destroyed! I hope you all enjoyed the pile of words we wrote abo– wait…what just happened? And why do I have this tattoo of a butt on my butt?

cara: Seriously? No real 1st generation Film Noir yet? You know, like Billy Wilder’s Double Indemnity (1944)?

phil: Oh look it’s another gimmicky movie about an amnesiac which has since spawned numerous gimmicky movies about amnesiacs.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

will: I can name at least 500 movies better than these three pieces of drek. Peter Jackson’s movies, ESPECIALLY these ones, make me hate cinema in general. Seriously. This is shit. Watch something worth watching. I guess I should make a joke here, too, so it’s funny, so the Spoilerist doesn’t fire me: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because FUCK THIS MOVIE.”

paul: Seriously. I loved this movie until I found out that one of the orcs says “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!” Menu? What the fuck? Are we dealing with gourmet orcs? They have a lot of time to study Zagat’s while they were gestating in their slime sacks underground?

scott: I’d like to announce the Spoilerist’s next feature, “Will Names 500+ Movies That are Better than The Lord of the Rings Trilogy” It begins tomorrow and continues until Will loses his voice.

cara: I’m starting to lose faith in my generation. At least we won’t see any more LoTR flicks from here on in, right guys?

phil: I didn’t really appreciate this second installment of the LOTR trilogy until I watched this for the second time. The key was how I looked at the key character of this film: “Gollum” (Andy Serkis.). Once I began to appreciate and marvel at this weasel-like character, my opinion of the film went from bad to good. That doesn’t mean I like that slimy creature: I don’t, but I am more fascinated by him rather than totally annoyed as I was with the first viewing. A big reason was that I put on the English subtitles, so I was able to understand everything he said. I recommend doing that you has a similar problem deciphering his dialog. Now I more fully understood what a tortured soul that pathetic creature was.

Sunset Blvd.

will: I got nothing left in me. That last one drained me of all of my fighting spirit. Uhh… “More like Son-shat Pool Of Lard! Amirite guys?!”

paul: Definitely the best “Creepy old woman stares at the camera” film there is. Except possibly The Queen, starring Helen Mirren.

scott: Whenever I feel myself drained of all fighting spirit, I start whacking myself in the side of the head with a stick until all the Thetans wake up.

cara: This is not what I would consider Billy Wilder’s best film. Nor would I say that this is the best Film Noir of all time. Not by a long shot.

phil: Along with T.S. Eliot’s ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’ & Gaston Leroux’s ‘The Phantom of the Opera,’ not even Billy Wilder’s gem is immune to the evil ways of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

30/250

* I hope you enjoyed that meta-joke about my celebrity-fueled masturbation habits. I, too, appreciate this multi-tiered humour.