Yes, I said Sandra Bullock.  Yes, someone gave her work.  And no, I have no idea why.  She plays an evil Canadian woman (because we’re delightfully foreign) and her assistant is played by Ryan Reynolds’ favourite character: a bumbling idiot.

A series of things I don't care about

The plot, as far as I can tell, involves flying to Alaska and faking an engagement so that Bullock doesn’t get deported and Ryan doesn’t lose his job.  There is some random eight-year old sexual humor. One redeeming quality in this movie is “grandma” played by Betty White who gets to feel up Sandra Bullock and make fun of her small breasts.  I’m not kidding, something along the lines of “It’s like an easter egg hunt…”  We’ve all been thinking it; Betty White as the nerve to say it.

So, if you like stupid fake romantic comedies with no discernible value whatsoever, I suggest you start waiting in line now because this one is going to sell out.

– Gordon

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These children are cruel in the extreme: a vicious rain of gumballs strike the soft top of Skeeter’s head, causing him to forget the most basic ideas (don’t spray yourself in the face with an aerosol can) and render him nearly unable to communicate without sounding like he had to retake gradeschool. The children threaten to set him ablaze with a ball of fire, Skeeter’s car radio echoing back their dark promises at every station he plays.

Eventually Skeeter retreats further and further into insanity, imagining himself as an extreme chariot-rider, a greedy cowboy, and a variety of other mundane fantasies that serve to shield his broken mind from his eventual demise when the children tire of their plaything.

A harrowing look into the twisted face of madness and the unfeeling apathy of youth, this movie chills you to the bone, gripping your face with the skeletal claws of harsh and unyielding reality.

–scott

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MICRO$OFT IS FUCKING US AGAIN

(shut up I’ll fix things eventually I’m lazy)

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Please stay tuned for upcoming content from the Spoilerist, along with a change in format: from now on, we’ll be reviewing movies and shows we HAVEN’T seen. This way you won’t have to worry about having things ruined for you by coming to this site. Aside from your day, I mean.

– scott

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Blame GTA IV for my absence…I don’t know what the rest of these jerks have been up to.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

phil: The Fight Club of the 70s.

will: As much as I love Malcolm McDowell’s acting I’ll never forgive his white jumpsuit. It’s burned into my eyes like Hitler is burned into his. I wish real life had milk bars.

paul: Most well-choreographed braining scene of Kubrick’s film career. And since the victim is a British oaf, you don’t feel sympathy!

scott: Darth Vader is in this movie, only this time around, he’s slightly less imposing. Or slightly more, depending on your attitude towards short shorts.

Alien (1979)

phil: Am I the only person who finds it weird that the androids in these movies bleed a semen-like fluid?

will: This movie rules. Also, if I could go back in time, I’m 99% sure I would have a son who is older than me and whose last name is Weaver. That’s my weird way of saying that Sigourney is ridiculously hot. Giant curly mullet and all.

paul: I don’t watch this movie for the alien, more for Sigorney Weaver’s paper-thin panties in the final bit. Hoorah!

scott: If you showed this movie to Sigmund Freud, his beard would burst into flame, and he’d spin around like a top, digging himself underground while making whooping noises.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

phil: The There Will Be Blood of the late 40s.

will: I heard that the treasure is actually just a crappy old baseball glove. Wait, that’s Casper starring Christiana Ricci.

paul: Bogey does his proto-Indiana Jones, except in this version, Indy is mad, MAD for gold! GOLD I TELLS YA!! *shoots old men*

scott: I bet if you found a treasure in current times, it would either be seized by the government under some stupid land law or would be taxed into oblivion. I yearn for the days when a pocket full of One Eyed Willy’s jewels was enough to save the family homestead and you could live happily ever after with a deformed retard.

Laberinto del fauno, El (2006)

phil: At last a fantasy movie for nerdy commies.

will: How is this ahead of the other movie about Labyrinths? I forget the name of it but I think it had David Bowie in it. You know, the one where Jennifer Connelly is in a labyrinth of some sort. What is that movie called? Argh, never mind. It’ll come to me.

paul: For a film based on so much ancient mythology, there isn’t nearly enough animal-fucking…

scott: La la la la what a sweet tale of childhoo–BOTTLE TO FACE!!! Horrifying, just horrifying.

The Shining (1980)

phil: Scatman Crothers = best Magic Negro of all time.

will: All Kubrick and no editing makes film a very dull time.

paul: The one Stephen King story that doesn’t have inherent, gratuitous scrotal shrinkage. Good thing Kubrick adds it in himself, so you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

scott: I call this movie “My Plan for Retirement,” minus Shelley Duvall, because yikes.

Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)

phil: I don’t ‘get’ foreign movies. People on IMDB are so pretentious!

will: There’s just something so magical about a movie winning an Oscar when its genre is known by most people as a place to see a giant tentacle rape a girl. Thanks, anime! See also: Drama, Comedy, Foreign, and Musical. Then again, I could be biased… maybe I should stop exclusively watching movies like “Million Dollar Tendril” and “Grease(d Octopus Leg)” so I have a bit more perspective on film in general.

paul: For a film based on so much ancient Japanese mythology, there isn’t nearly enough shit-demon fucking…

scott: I will choose to associate Japan with their awesome vending machines where used panties are just a few coins away rather than…wait, why did I choose that?

The Pianist (2002)

phil: Contrary to popular belief, Adrien Brody is NOT Jewish. Gosh, you people & your stereotypes!

will: You know what the name of this movie sounds like? Do you? Oh man, you totally do. I don’t even need to say it. Oh, I’m going to say it anyway! LABYRINTH!! THAT was the movie I was thinking of earlier. God, that feels good! What was I talking about again?

paul: Hint: whenever you see Adrien Brody playing the piano in this movie, think of Roman Polanski stroking his member. This film is a big metaphor for ego-masturbation. Oh, and the Nazis are the big, bad American lawmen who seek to bring his statutory-raping cock to justice.

scott: I tried to see this movie four times, but could never say the title without giggling like an immature twat. Which I do often.

Double Indemnity (1944)

phil: It’s a fact that all the essential film noir [co-]stars Edward G. Robinson.

will: The Penis. I was talking about The Penis. What is Double Indemnity, anyway?

paul: Fred MacMurray’s eyebrows in this film noir are like Jesus popping up during the Superbowl… It’s really just icing on the cake.

scott: Your double indemnity wasn’t enough to protect you from the Spoilerist! Wait, 1944? Oh, you’re all dead. Never mind.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

phil: There is no movie that is more annoyingly overquoted than this.

will: There was this kid who sat in front of me in one of my English classes who quoted this film at least once a day, directly to me, in a scratchy, noisy falsetto voice, for an entire school year. I almost hated British people forever for subjecting me to that torture via him. Then I got my head on straight and realized who I should actually hate: the terrorists.

paul: Finally, a movie shows that even the greatest legend in Western civilization is covered up in shit-strewn, diseased peasantry. But this one is more of a documentary on how to make an historical epic. For real Arthurian comedy, watch First Knight (1995).

scott: I can’t say anything about this movie that I didn’t already say in a slightly higher-pitched voice back when I was fifteen.

Forrest Gump (1994)

phil: I hear that this was loosely based on the memoirs of George W. Bush.

will: More like “Snorest Dump!” Get it? Because it’s boring and shit? Oh, never mind. TOM HANKS! (more like Bum Wanks, am I right?)

paul: Only a retard is successful in America. This movie IS historical fact.

scott: Clearly Forrest Gump was a high ranking member of the Illuminati with a very hands-on approach. Hopefully this post makes it to the Internet so the truth can be known.

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WHOA HOLY FUCK GUYS! THIS GAME IS MASSIVE! FIRST OF ALL, IN ITS FIRST WEEK ALONE IT SOLD 12 MILLION COPIES WORLDWIDE! THAT IS MORE THAN CDS BOUGHT AND MOVIE TICKETS BOUGHT COMBINED! ALSO, IT STARS MASTER CHIEF WHO IS THE BIGGEST HERO OF ALL TIME! IF YOU HAVE A 30″ TV IT WILL BECOME A 40″ TV BECAUSE HE IS THAT WICKED HUGE! AND HE FIGHTS THE FLOOD WHO ARE A HUGE FORCE OF ENEMIES! PLUS IT IS IN THE FUTURE– MEANING THAT THE NUMBER THAT IS THE YEAR IS ALSO HUGE! PROBABLY HUGER THAN 2008, ANYWAY!

I LOVE HALO BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD. I PLAY IT ONLINE AND REALLY LOVE PWNING N00BS (THAT MEANS OWNING NOOBS, FOR YOU OLD PEOPLE, WHICH MEANS BEATING NEWBIES, FOR YOU OLD PEOPLE, WHICH MEANS BESTING LESS SKILLED PLAYERS IN COMBAT, FOR YOU OLD PEOPLE). SOMETIMES I KILL THREE IN A ROW! TTTRRRRIPPPLLLEEEE KIIILLLLLLL!!!! I GET A MEDAL FOR IT!

YOU CAN DO LONE WOLF WHICH I LIKE THE BEST! IT MEANS I CAN PWN EVERY NOOB! YOU CAN ALSO PLAY “TEAM” MODES BUT YOU CAN ONLY PWN HALF THE NOOBS THAT WAY. FUCK THAT!

SOMETIMES I DO GET SHOT THOUGH. USUALLY WHEN THIS HAPPENS I SWEAR AND SAY RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC AND SEXIST THINGS. WHO CAN BLAME ME?! I’M ONLY NINE!

THE BEST THOUGH IS WHEN I GET TO PICK MY COLORS. I USUALLY PICK PINK AND PURPLE, BECAUSE WHEN A NOOB GETS PWNED BY A PINK GUY THEY KNOW THEY REALLY JUST GOT PWNED! PLUS I BLEND IN WITH THIS ONE GUN THAT SHOOTS PINK AND PURPLE NEEDLES! IT’S WIN-WIN! ACTUALLY, IT’S WIN-WIN-WIN WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT I ALSO DRESS THAT WAY BECAUSE I GO TO SCHOOL IN SOUTHERN ARKANSAS AND IT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPRESS MY HOMOSEXUALITY WITHOUT BEING LYNCHED! I AM REALLY SCARED OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM! I HOPE THE QUARTERBACK NEVER TELLS ANYONE THAT WE KISSED UNDER THE BLEACHERS! IT REALLY SUCKS BEING GAY DOWN HERE. I WANT TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT WHEN I GROW UP… MAYBE MOVE TO A COOL CITY LIKE NEW YORK OR SAN FRAN, GET A COOL LITTLE CONDOMINIUM AND COLLECT AS MANY POP RECORDS AS I WANT! AS IT STANDS I AM ACTUALLY TOO SCARED TO BUY THE 98 DEGREES RECORD I WANT BECAUSE THE GUY WHO WORKS AT WAL-MART IS SO DREAMY BUT HE GOES TO MY SCHOOL AND IF HE SEES ME BUY THAT, I AM DEAD FOR SURE… I GUESS I COULD TRY ITUNES BUT I DUNNO… PUTTING YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION ONLINE IS A REALLY SCARY PROSPECT TOO! I HEARD PEOPLE CAN RIP OFF YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY WITH THAT INFORMATION! THEY MIGHT LOG ONTO XBOX LIVE AS ME AND GET PWNED BY NOOBS… OR TELL EVERYONE ON MY FRIENDS LIST I AM GAY. I GUESS I WILL JUST SUFFER UNTIL I AM OLD ENOUGH TO MOVE AWAY FROM THIS HELLHOLE!

I GIVE HALO 3 A 10928 OUT OF 444444444!!!!!!! IT IS HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!

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I’ve watched most zombie movies, I’ve played zombie computer and video games, I’ve read zombie books and listened to the audiobook versions of the zombie books. (Consider this an invitation to our four readers to send me links to awesome zombie things I might not have seen or heard.)

The previous two paragraphs, aside from making the word ‘zombie’ look really weird as I type it, should serve to illustrate just how much I enjoy the genre of shambling corpses biting people in the neck and shoulders. It is this love of zombies that makes my disappointment with Diary of the Dead all the more bitter in my dried-out brain-seeking mouth.

Before I hurt the feelings of the people responsible for Diary, I should take the time to say the following: high-five, SFX people! Your zombies and gore were pretty darn good; I was delighted by much of the viscera flying around the screen. Pat yourselves on the back with the dismembered arm you keep around to creep out people who venture into your dank workshops. With those accolades out of the way, onto the movie I guess.

Diary of the Dead follows the completely unlikable Jason, a budding documentarian who currently occupies himself with making a horror movie about a mummy. As he and his bland pals film, the zombie outbreak begins, much to everyone’s relief. Now instead of starring in another low-budget crapfest, they can be horribly killed! Phew! Jason decides to scrap his horror movie and instead make a documentary about the real-life horrors occurring all around him.

Jason’s equally unappealing girlfriend Debra acts as the narrator to the movie. She likes criticising Jason for his unrelenting adherence to his role as a camera, but at least she doesn’t have to film Debra looking awkwardly into the camera. And boy, does Debra look into the camera a lot. Awkwardly. As if she’s…aware…that’s she being super-meta. Or…

Anyway, there are a bunch of other stereotypical jerks along for this ride (don’t mess with Texas! I’m drunk n’ British, I’m inexplicably angry! etc.), and the Christian girl who’s driving them around shoots herself in the head after she runs over some zombies - apparently because she feels something called…uh…remorse? One of those weird new-agey emotions, I don’t know. Like all Christians she totally sucks at committing suicide, so now they have to drive her partially aerated ass to the hospital. As fans of the zombie doomsday scenario are all too aware, you do NOT want to go to a hospital as it’s basically ground zero. More people die.

Throughout this movie, we’re treated to a good ol’ Romero-style hamfist of social commentary. Because in the end, are we really any SHUT UP. How about we focus on decent acting and writing instead of smashing the audience in the face with a retread of our disconnected and apathetic society’s disregard for the blah blah blah look at a table-breaking picture of a zombie:

So here are the two main problems I have with Diary of the Dead, which I will list below.

1) The acting.

It’s pretty hard to get the stumbling corpses to be more engaging than your protagonists, but congratulations! You reached that undead rainbow!

I guess the professor was alright, and I enjoyed the Amish guy with his dynamite and Wile E. Coyote antics. Outside of those two notable exceptions, all the actors were either painfully amateurish or just plain douchebags. Trust me on the douchebag part - we know our own.

2) The writing.

Everyone take a breath. Here is a piece of dialogue from the movie. Ok. Jesus Christ. Here we go.

“It used to be…us against us. Now it’s us against them.”

“He was right, us against them. Except they…are us.

Try saying that out loud. Find a friend. Say the first part and have them say the second. Notice how it’s impossible to avoid sounding like a rambling jackass?

I’ve avoided reading other reviews of this movie, because as you might be aware, I am the only critic that matters. More importantly, I just know I’ll be treated to a bunch of rigmarole (and I don’t even know what that is) about how the Internet age allows for this detachment from what’s on the screen and how the characters in Diary are representative of disaffected youth and so forth. This is an interesting topic no doubt, but I’d prefer it if these painfully salient points were approached with a tad more subtlety than a flaming zombie jumping from a highway overpass while holding a placard that reads “SOCIAL DISCOURSE” or whatever. Instead of subtlety we get to listen to Debra explaining the shit out of every little detail.

There are very few movies that can benefit from narration, and Diary is certainly not one of them.

Show, don’t tell.

And by show, I mean show me awesome zombie hordes tearing a city to the ground, not some wankers verbally wanking in an RV.

4/10

–scott

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the

For example, the…

…wait, was I supposed to bring a shovel to this party? I didn’t know it was a theme party…what’s the theme, is it shovels or gardening? But then why do you have a golf club? WHY DO YOU HAVE A GOLF CLUB?!?! SOMEONE TELL ME

SONMEIONE TELL ME WHGAY SHE HAS A GOL,DF CLUB

WHY IS THERE A CLUB

YOU’RE FNOT CLUGGING ME

NOT WITH THAT CLUB\

hahashahHHaHAHAHAHAHHAAHI RUN THIS

tuhis shit

i runs

it

88888888888888888eighteighteightwaiteighteightyou/

10

–sssssssssssssssscotttt

ttt

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Did you ever want to go to space? Maybe you dreamed about it when you were a child, wishing you were the next Roberta Bondar. Unfortunately you will never be able to be the next first woman in space because that makes no sense. However, you can play Mass Effect!

This game is in space. Not like regular space, like three-dimensional objects are in space, but like outer space, like Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. You star as a young human named Shepherd who looks however you want him or her to look! You can make him or her a him, a her, or even black!

Once you make your little man or woman, you fly him or her into space, where Seth Green makes fun of him or her for being a jerk or a pussy, even though he is a cripple, which is too bad for him. Ironically, even though he can’t use his legs, he is a pilot! That is so super-ironic!

You spend most of your time chasing a badguy named Siren. This is my least favourite part of the game because you no longer get to make ugly looking people, which is the game’s strong point. From here in, you must engage in epic space battles and thrilling space conversations. You even get to pick what your guy says! If you want him to be a jerk, you pick the jerk option (located downwards, closer to hell) and if you want him to be a pussy you choose the pussy option (higher up, closer to outer space). Sometimes, there is even a third option! It is very good for when you are a real-life pussy and want a middle road option (in the middle, closer to the character’s penis or vagina).

There is a lot about this game that is likeable, including the graphics (which are next-gen) and the story (which is set in space and is science fiction). There are some less likeable things, like the badguys (who are evil) and the women (who are female). There is one space woman who is blue that you get to have sex with– apparently alien sex is nothing like real sex because nothing goes in anything and it’s just mind-melding, but it looks exactly like movie sex in that everyone gets naked and primal and rolling around.

If you are a sick perverted amer who loves space, this game is for you because it has sex, violence and space. If you are a regular human being, you shouldn’t even own a game console unless it is the Vtech Flash! That way your children can learn instead of becoming shitmonsters.

MASS EFFECT GETS A 9 OUT OF 10!

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If you’re observant enough, you might have noticed that there are a bunch of new links at the top of the site. This is because the crew of the Spoilerist has decided that movies are not enough to sate our appetite to ruin things. We’re expanding. Growing ever fatter on the meat of pop culture. Pooping reviews.

Enjoy our spoor.

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