Mass Effect

Did you ever want to go to space? Maybe you dreamed about it when you were a child, wishing you were the next Roberta Bondar. Unfortunately you will never be able to be the next first woman in space because that makes no sense. However, you can play Mass Effect!

This game is in space. Not like regular space, like three-dimensional objects are in space, but like outer space, like Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. You star as a young human named Shepherd who looks however you want him or her to look! You can make him or her a him, a her, or even black!

Once you make your little man or woman, you fly him or her into space, where Seth Green makes fun of him or her for being a jerk or a pussy, even though he is a cripple, which is too bad for him. Ironically, even though he can’t use his legs, he is a pilot! That is so super-ironic!

You spend most of your time chasing a badguy named Siren. This is my least favourite part of the game because you no longer get to make ugly looking people, which is the game’s strong point. From here in, you must engage in epic space battles and thrilling space conversations. You even get to pick what your guy says! If you want him to be a jerk, you pick the jerk option (located downwards, closer to hell) and if you want him to be a pussy you choose the pussy option (higher up, closer to outer space). Sometimes, there is even a third option! It is very good for when you are a real-life pussy and want a middle road option (in the middle, closer to the character’s penis or vagina).

There is a lot about this game that is likeable, including the graphics (which are next-gen) and the story (which is set in space and is science fiction). There are some less likeable things, like the badguys (who are evil) and the women (who are female). There is one space woman who is blue that you get to have sex with– apparently alien sex is nothing like real sex because nothing goes in anything and it’s just mind-melding, but it looks exactly like movie sex in that everyone gets naked and primal and rolling around.

If you are a sick perverted amer who loves space, this game is for you because it has sex, violence and space. If you are a regular human being, you shouldn’t even own a game console unless it is the Vtech Flash! That way your children can learn instead of becoming shitmonsters.

MASS EFFECT GETS A 9 OUT OF 10!