March 31st, 2008 — Site News
Hey all,
Just so you’re aware, the site isn’t dead exactly - it’s just in a critical sort of content-less coma. I have the makings of the latest IMDb Top 250 Slowly Destroyed segment sitting around in my email, but it’s a big pain in the butt to format, so I’ve been sitting on it for a while. Sitting on that pain in my butt.
Will the Spoilerist recover from its coma? Will it find that its wife has remarried its long-lost twin brother who is actually a woman magician?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME
March 5th, 2008 — Movies
No, I’m not dead. I just ran out of clever things to say about movies for a while, and also didn’t see any worth commenting on.
So here we go.
Mos Def works in a video store that is owned by Danny Glover, who is clearly too old for this shit. So old, in fact, that his store rents out nothing but VHS tapes in a time when VCRs are defunct technology, forgotten by the entire video rental industry.
Jack Black likes to hang out at this video store, to the detriment of Danny Glover’s character, because Jack Black plays a paranoid weirdo who lives in a van that sits in a junk yard next to a transformer station, and he bothers the customers. One day, Jack’s character decides he’s going to sabotage the station, but his plan backfires and he becomes magnetised. Remember what happens to VHS tapes when they’re around really powerful magnets? Well, that’s what happens to all of the tapes in Danny Glover’s
store.
Since Danny Glover’s business hinges on having VHS tapes with movies on them, and the building his business resides in is condemned, Jack Black and Mos Def scramble to find ways to cover up this horrible tragedy. Their first instinct to is recycle all of those tapes and remake all of the movies themselves with a VHS home video camera.
You’d think this might result in a lot of angry customers, but it turns out that the people in this community are all awesome and love every single “Sweded” remake. The store becomes an instant neighbourhood cultural phenomenon, and soon everyone is lining up around the block to rent no-budget remakes.
Eventually, the MPAA, represented by Sigourney Weaver, gets wind of this operation and behave like the assholes they are, destroying every single tape in the store. But since everyone in the neighbourhood is awesome, they all get together and make a whole new movie of their own about a local imaginary legend.
In short, this movie is hilarious and inspiring, and also an instruction manual for how to bring people together with low-budget film making.
I don’t know why any of the other reviews I’ve read about this movie have been particularly negative, or why two of the four other people that were there spent the $20 to get in and left ten minutes into it. I guess some people just have no imagination. I’ll admit there were some loose ends, but they don’t really detract from everything else that makes it good.
I give this movie 11.3/10
-illuminoid
February 26th, 2008 — Movies
Here! Read these! I’ll add links later or something to that end.
phil: If I had my own miniature pig to turn off the bedside lamp for me, I would’ve taken far less crap from my mum for falling asleep with the light on.
paul: Good. *cough* (Sorry, I can’t think of anything smarmy to say about this one).
will: This movie is Type II Diabetes on 35mm film. And no, I don’t mean that in the “good” way. Why did you even think there was a “good” way to have diabetes? You’re awful.
cara:
It’s all so charming and French that you kind of forget that nothing really happens.
phil: I kind of wished that this movie was a retelling of American history by the Nation of Islam.
paul: Mental note: Never put your huge frikkin’ swastika tattoo where you can’t grow some nice concealin’ hair.
will: Ed Norton, Sinead O’Connor and Adolf Hitler buddy flick! Awesome!
cara:
I really expected this to be a biopic about Malcom X.
phil: Suffers from ‘Oh no, we’ve got too many plot holes & loose ends & we don’t know how to end the movie so let’s kill off everybody!’
paul: Martin Sheen scores the coolest death scene in 2000 and 6. “AAAAAEEEIIGGH!!!” *SPLAT!*
will: Why this movie rules: take a bunch of celebrated actors, throw in Marky Mark, have Marky Mark show up celebrated actors with wicked Boston accent and total wickedawesomeness. Matt Damon, please retire.
cara:
Solidifies how much we hate Matt Damon and love Mark Whalberg.
phil: I’ve lost track of how many war movies are on this list.
paul: I find Kubrick tedious… Spartacus was better. Kirk Douglas’s chin distracts you from his manly loincloth.
will: I haven’t seen it, but I like the word “paths.” Good word to say out loud. “Paths.”
cara:
I haven’t seen it, but I’ll bet it’s edited with great prejudice.
phil: When I was younger, I thought that this movie was a James Bond prequel.
paul: The idea that Germans would gather together to kill a psychotic, compulsive murderer instead of following him? Scoff!
will: Nowhere near the quality of other Criterion releases like “Armageddon” or “The Rock.”
cara:
I pronounce it “Mmmm”
phil: Keep your nose out of other peoples’ business or Roman Polanski will cut you.
paul: Nicholson hides his post-surgery cyst wound behind a bandage. Production saved!
will: Never seen it. Fun fact: I actually hate movies. So I’ll take this opportunity to talk about Americna Gladiators. MAN AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS SO GOOD I LIKE TITAN AND WOLF THE BEST~!
cara:
I seriously can’t dislike anything Polanski’s ever done.
phil: To high school students who hate reading: ditch the Coles Notes & watch the movie instead. You’ll probably get the same mark anyway -> C+.
paul: Begins the legal film subgenre: Literate-honourable-flawless-white-man-defends-America.
will: I’m glad that this movie came out and solved all of those racism problems in America OH WAIT WAT IS JENA SIX PLZ SOUNDS LIEK A PORN STAR NAME.
cara:
Saved countess high school children from having to read required literature.
phil: 150 times better than ‘Citizen Kane.’
paul: Few people know that this was the last film where Welles appeared MOVING… All subsequent films were shot strictly above paunch-concealing dinner tables. Unicron will CONSUME you!
will: The movie least likely to win the NBA’s annual “Sixth Man” award.
cara:
Orson Welles’ persona is big enough to be the first three dudes plus the fourth, fifth and sixth men.
phil: I guess the late Ulrich Muhe was sick of bad things happening to him in Michael Haneke movies. Anyways, he’s pretty friendly for a bureaucrat.
paul: There is a little known fetish in Germany called audio-voyeurism, or “People who wear really big headphones while fucking”. This movie celebrates that fact.
will: Ich habe diesen Film nie gesehen.
Es tut mir leid. Ich liebe Kinder zu essen zu Mittag.
cara:
Is this about voyeurism?
phil: I’m sure having a spotless mind involves shock treatment & possibly a lobotomy.
paul: Fun IMDB fact: Nicholas Cage was up for the lead in this film. Wow. I just vomited a bit.
will: Fact: I liked every single person attached to this film more before I saw it. Proof that a movie can in fact be LESS than the sum of its parts.
cara:
The cast and sweet old school special effects distract you from the fact that this film is boring.
50/250
February 22nd, 2008 — Movies
There’s something I found was lacking in all of the kid fantasy movies that have come out recently… Narnia, Terabitha, The Golden Compass, they all lacked one key element. Well, I have found that secret! They didn’t have any Nick Nolte! Whisper it with me now, children: “nicknolte“!
Yes, Nick Nolte is in this movie, and yes, he reprises his role as ogrish, child-eating monster from 48 Hours, Another 48 Hours, Mother Night, and The Peaceful Warrior.
Really, I can’t say too much that’s bad about this film; especially since it’s designed based on the work of one of my favourite fantasy artists, Tony Diterlizzi. His goblins are wicked (bad and good), and the story is well crafted, if not a tad formulaic. The pretty eyecandies made this forgivable though, and I quite enjoyed it when the film shows how more ogrish a kid’s family can seem relative to the freaky creatures just out-of-doors.
That kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is in it, and he is pretty brilliant, playing both halves of a set of twins. His acting and the sublime special effects actually fooled me a couple of times into thinking that the two brothers were played by different people. That, I think is the triumph of this film’s design. Kudos to the writers for keeping little story things like Jared’s anger issues, and the family’s collapse following parental separation, which are all pretty badass to show in what is basically a “family movie” (God, I swear my testicles shrivelled a little, just there). Oh, shit! I realized I’ve been talking about it for a while, but not giving away much of the plot. I’m an ass! Here goes…
The twins, Jared and Simon Grace, and their rapierist older sister Mallory, fight alot amongst themselves while their mom, recently separated from dad, moves them into a new town, new job, and new creepy old mansion surrounded by faerie creatures who all spit on and eat each other.
Jared, the most hated of the children, finds an old book written by his great-great-uncle Arthur Spiderwick. It seems ol’ great-grandypants was a monster scholar, which in this film’s universe seems to be the equivalent of butterfly-catching, replete with knee-high socks, bermuda shorts, and a nerdy satchel. Ol’ Uncle Spiderwick somehow found out all of the monsters’ behaviours and secrets and wrote them down in his book. Nevermind that he did what would take a thousand zoolooolologists a hundred years to do, the important thing is that he knows all their secrets! Apparently, knowing how the sylphs migrate means you have some absolute power over them. Go figure.
Anyway, Jared breaks the seal on the book, and a big magic whoosh disturbs all of the monsters in the area. (Oops, I forgot to mention that Arthur Spiderwick also learned magic spells as well as the entire supernatural world in a couple of decades). It seems that the goblins are feverish, and chomping at the bit to get the book, being poked from behind with a big ogrish bulge in the form of Mulgoroth the Slayer (NOLTE!).
Mulgoroth wants the book because it will tell him all of the secrets of the invisible monsters and let him kill ‘em. At first, Jared and co. are creeped out because the monsters can become invisible at will. But a helpful hobgoblin horks in their faces, and apparently hobgob gob makes you perceive the realm of magic. There are some chases as goblins and trolls harass the heroes.
Finally the kids have to make a stand at the creepy, old mansion, ala Home Alone. But this is better, because it doesn’t suck as much. Kids get bitten and chomped on by the hideously frog-like goblins, and there is lots of implied limb-severing as the family uses kitchen knives and sabers to keep the lil’ freaks from breaking down the doors. Tomato sauce also burns the monsters like acid, so there’s cool explosions as the gobbos burst into goo after being hit squarely b/w the eyes by a tomato-filled baggie.
Various stuff happens, and there are characters that I’m skipping for time’s sake, but they fight the monsters, and the ogre tries to trick them by shapeshifting to look like their dad, but the kids don’t fall for dad’s happy sudden appearance, so Jared fucking shivs him! Good going, Jared! If a parent tells you he loves you, he’s planning to fuck you up, so’s you gotta stab first! Jared and the ogre tussle some more, and they end up on the roof of the house. The anger-issued kid throws the book over the edge, and tricks !MULGOROTH! into morphing to bird-form to snatch it, just as the hobgoblin sidekick eats him out of the air! I love it when a plan comes together!
7/10
–paul
February 13th, 2008 — Movies
Please look at the alt text for all the images on this site because they form a treasure map!
phil: Theistic propaganda shown annually at Christmastime. I smell conspiracy.
cara: Until you get Alzheimer’s. Then life is scary and confusing.
will: No it isn’t. And furthermore, fuck you for thinking so. This movie does, however, win for the most arousing line in cinema history: “He’s making violent love to me, mother!” God, I could listen to that soundbite over and over for AT LEAST three minutes.
scott: I don’t want to ruin anyone’s movie experience, but did you know that Jimmy Stewart died anyway? I guess it was all for nothing.
phil: Peter O’Toole + Ay-rabs played by actors of various ethnicities. Colour me bored.
cara: A) How can a white dude be “of Arabia”? Colonization, I guess. Plus: This movie is so old that Arabia isn’t even a country anymore. This sucker is more outdated than books about North American politics written pre 9/11.
will: Least Arabian name ever. Well, second least. First place is probably “Cody.”
scott: I would actually watch “Cody of Arabia” if it was made by the fine writers at the WB. Unfortunately that dream died in 2006.
phil: Javier Bardem = enemy to both humans & pigeons.
cara: No no no. You can’t just knock off a Buster Keaton flick because you were well received three months ago… You haven’t even been released in Europe yet.
will: I’m so tired of these movies based on kids books– I mean honestly, Narnia? Harry Potter? Golden Compass? Fucking… Spiderwick Chronicles? No idea how this movie made it into the top 50, but at least it tells you right in the title that it’s not for old men so you can skip it and just send your kids in on their own. They’ll thank you later.
scott: A Brief Guide to Finding a Suitcase Full of Money: Step 1) CHECK SUITCASE FOR TRANSMITTER. Step 2) Avoid rest of movie. (But really, watch this because it’s fantastic.)
phil: I blame this movie for prolonging the usage of Propellerheads’ ‘Spybreak’ in Hollywood action movies. Also noteworthy as a cheap pop culture footnote for Baudrillard-fellating undergrads.
cara: After reading the syllabus for a Film 101 class I had registered for, I realized that I was expected to watch this in the first in-class screening. I explained to the Dean of Cinema (or whatever) that I didn’t need to see The Matrix (again) so I could be nice and warmed up for the final screening of the year: Demonlover (again). We both had a good laugh and I still had to take the class.
will: I’ve shat a better movie. And farted better Kung Fu.
scott: It’s me, I’m the Matrix.
phil: Oh look, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head in a box! The UPS costs to ship that thing must’ve been a fortune.
cara: Yeah, but is selenium really greater than ernium?
will: The worst attempt at writing in 1337 that I’ve ever seen. What the hell is a Seten?
scott: I’m on the Internet so I’m sloth and wrath, pretty much all of the time.
phil: Apocalypse no.
cara: If you go to a pub with a jukebox, don’t choose to play “The End” by The Doors. It will remind everyone of the Vietnam War and Marlon Brando… both are big downers.
will: Well… at least it’s better than Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. That’s ONE, by the way, Scott.
scott: APOCALYPSE 2012! GUYS THE MAYANS HAD A CALENDAR AND NOSTRADAMUS FLEW A PLANE INTO THE WTC - and yes, thank you Will.
phil: The scene where Harvey Keitel flicks his cigarette at DeNiro is probably one of my favourite movie moments ever.
cara: I’d argue that the Scorsese - De Niro - Keitel trifecta were at their best with Mean Streets but whatever.
will: I haven’t seen it, but how can it possibly be as good as “Analyze That” or “Meet The Fockers” or “Raging Bull 2: Rope-A-Dope Boogaloo”? If it’s DeNiro, it better be a sequel or I’m outta heeeeeeeere.
scott: This movie had way too much violence and not nearly enough taxi driving. I thought it would be like the television show Taxi, but it was slightly less funny.
phil: Do people still rave about this movie? Anyone? Seriously? Has anybody rated it since 2000? Or are people rating it this high for Thora Birch’s boobs?
cara: Should have been about a flick about a race horse. Like Black Beauty but less anti-American.
will: The only good thing about this movie is the fact that it actually ends. The worst part is that it starts. Another cool fact: Kevin Spacey AGAIN is featured expelling mucus-like substances from his frontsnake.
scott: The Dungeons & Dragons movie totally should have danced in the forest of Birch boobs; D&D + skin would have been aces for the box office. I would have seen this movie a third time.
phil: Further proof that the people ranking movies this high live their waking life on the internet, because I’ve never met a single person who has liked this enough to justify it being ranked in the Top 40.
cara: Dude seriously sucks at cleaning. His windows? Filthy.
will: Is there a large contingent of Internet kiddy-fiddlers? All I can think of when I see thism ovie is how uncomfortable I feel about Nathalie Portman and Jean Reno’s relationship. And Gary Oldman’s awesometude.
scott: No women, no kids? Glass ceiling in the assassination biz!
phil: The only film on IMDB to have ‘nosegay’ as a plot keyword.
cara: Fun fact: Kim Novak had to be coaxed into wearing bras.
will: The first thing I think of when I hear this movie’s name, seriously, is of the most irritating character in the popular Arcade/SNES/Genesis game Primal Rage. There was a Dinosaur called Vertigo, and I hated him. I liked the monkey with the fart attack best.
scott: And that’s VertiSTOP for this installment of IMDb’s Top 250 Movies Slowly Destroyed! Let’s just hope people on IMDb VertiQUIT voting for a while.
40/250
February 6th, 2008 — Movies
Here’s the third in a series that is awesome to write and horribly time-consuming to format!
will: The only part of this movie I care about is the part where Kevin Spacey talks about being so dehydrated that he was “practically pissing mucus” or something. Good line. The rest is forgettable whodunit wank and I hate the internet for considering it the 21st best movie of all time.
paul: Good movie, but it has one fatal flaw: Gabriel Byrne dies? NOBODY can kill Gabriel Byrne; not even Gabriel Byrne himself…
scott: I’ve never been really dehydrated, but part of me wants to film a commercial for facial tissues based on this mucus-pissing premise. I should probably shelve that along with the “Bounty: The Quicker Miscarriage Picker-Upper” idea I had.
cara: My parents still won’t let me watch this one because it’s got too much Kevin Spacey.
phil: Kevin Spacey as Keyser Soze. Yawn.
will: How do you spell that stabbing sound?
paul: Will, it’s “RHRANGH! RHRANGH! RHRANGH! RHRANGH!”
scott: This movie explains my fear of showers. And soap. Personal hygiene is really scary overall.
cara: I’ve only seen the first 20 mins of 24hour Psycho. If that is any indication of what the original is like, then it is needlessly long without much action.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1724372
phil: Anthony Perkins has mommy issues.
will: I stopped worrying and loved the bomb by simply using “da bomb” as a term of endearment. “DOCTOR STRANGELOVE OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB? THAT MOVIE’S DA BOMB! YOU GO GIRL!”
paul: Best James Earl Jones film except for Coming to America; best argument against fluoridation of drinking water, and best film with an itemized list of bubble gum and colt .45s.
scott: Dr. Strangelove used to be my nickname until I realized there was no love in what I was doing to others.
cara: IMDb suggests that if you like this film you will also like Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks.
phil: The only thing better than Peter Sellers is Peter Sellers X 3 [+ Sterling Hayden, George C. Scott & Slim Pickens].
P.S. Slim Pickens is the awesomest pun name ever.
will: I wonder how many people voted this movie ten without ever actually having seen it. I really do.
paul: This movie is sooo about a guy with an inadequately sized penis (which coincidentally describes the life story of most “successful” men of industry).
scott: It’s a good thing he whispered “Rosebud” so loudly or this whole movie wouldn’t exist. Remember kids, it’s important to project that dying breath.
cara: Try being a film history student and writing something that hasn’t been said about this film 20,000 times already. I dare you. The only option is to conclude that it sucks. This is why contemporary film professors and critics force themselves to hate the shit out of Citizen Kane.
phil: Orson Welles has done much better.
(scott’s note: I assume phil is talking about the following video)
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5LkDNu8bVU]
will: All you need is a good mangina to make the top 25 movies. Prospective directors take note.
paul: The skin of fat girls makes the best leather-o’-humans outfits. They’re stretchy and have a pebbly finish to their hides that is simply fabulous!
scott: Caution: the phrase “I can smell your cunt” is never appropriate as a way to answer the phone, even if you’re a gynecologist.
cara: The soundtrack is killer. Ahahahahaha — I’m serious. It’s super subtle and perfect. “Hip Priest” by The Fall plays in the background on a radio at one point.
phil: Fulfilling the void of tranny serial killers in film.
will: This list feels like it is “as voted by the thirty-six students in Ms. Kingston’s Grade 11 shop class” more and more with every flick they post.
paul: What the crap?!?
scott: I started one of these once, but its members were way more interested in beating me and stealing my wallet (strangely no commentary about my future as a veterinarian) than they were in the mass production of novelty soap. Lesson learned, I guess. Oh, and I suppose I watched this movie before Psycho - otherwise my little article-specific narrative contradicts itself.
cara: I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.
phil: It seems that since this movie has been made, Meat Loaf has had a breast reduction.
will: Due to its high placement on this list, and its name, and the writers’ strike, expect a word-for-word remake in 2009 or 2010 entitled “NXNW.” Starring Sean Connery and Scarlett Johansson.
paul: This movie proves why biplanes were evil and thusly outlawed by the government in the now famous, “Mr. Theodore Fipple v. That Rat Bastard Crop-Duster who gave Me Cancer”
scott: I was going to write a joke here but then I read Scarlett Johansson’s name and I lost focus for about half an hour.*
cara: Why is Billy Wilder’s The Apartment (1960) not on this list yet?
phil: Better than hopping from bar to bar during NXNE.
will: I’m not kidding, guys. GRADE ELEVEN SHOP CLASS.
paul: Carrie-Anne Moss hocks a loogie into a beer mug and thusly, another one of my wet dreams makes it onto the silver screen…
scott: And that concludes the series IMDb’s Top 250 Movies Slowly Destroyed! I hope you all enjoyed the pile of words we wrote abo– wait…what just happened? And why do I have this tattoo of a butt on my butt?
cara: Seriously? No real 1st generation Film Noir yet? You know, like Billy Wilder’s Double Indemnity (1944)?
phil: Oh look it’s another gimmicky movie about an amnesiac which has since spawned numerous gimmicky movies about amnesiacs.
will: I can name at least 500 movies better than these three pieces of drek. Peter Jackson’s movies, ESPECIALLY these ones, make me hate cinema in general. Seriously. This is shit. Watch something worth watching. I guess I should make a joke here, too, so it’s funny, so the Spoilerist doesn’t fire me: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because FUCK THIS MOVIE.”
paul: Seriously. I loved this movie until I found out that one of the orcs says “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!” Menu? What the fuck? Are we dealing with gourmet orcs? They have a lot of time to study Zagat’s while they were gestating in their slime sacks underground?
scott: I’d like to announce the Spoilerist’s next feature, “Will Names 500+ Movies That are Better than The Lord of the Rings Trilogy” It begins tomorrow and continues until Will loses his voice.
cara: I’m starting to lose faith in my generation. At least we won’t see any more LoTR flicks from here on in, right guys?
phil: I didn’t really appreciate this second installment of the LOTR trilogy until I watched this for the second time. The key was how I looked at the key character of this film: “Gollum” (Andy Serkis.). Once I began to appreciate and marvel at this weasel-like character, my opinion of the film went from bad to good. That doesn’t mean I like that slimy creature: I don’t, but I am more fascinated by him rather than totally annoyed as I was with the first viewing. A big reason was that I put on the English subtitles, so I was able to understand everything he said. I recommend doing that you has a similar problem deciphering his dialog. Now I more fully understood what a tortured soul that pathetic creature was.
will: I got nothing left in me. That last one drained me of all of my fighting spirit. Uhh… “More like Son-shat Pool Of Lard! Amirite guys?!”
paul: Definitely the best “Creepy old woman stares at the camera” film there is. Except possibly The Queen, starring Helen Mirren.
scott: Whenever I feel myself drained of all fighting spirit, I start whacking myself in the side of the head with a stick until all the Thetans wake up.
cara: This is not what I would consider Billy Wilder’s best film. Nor would I say that this is the best Film Noir of all time. Not by a long shot.
phil: Along with T.S. Eliot’s ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’ & Gaston Leroux’s ‘The Phantom of the Opera,’ not even Billy Wilder’s gem is immune to the evil ways of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
30/250
* I hope you enjoyed that meta-joke about my celebrity-fueled masturbation habits. I, too, appreciate this multi-tiered humour.
February 5th, 2008 — Site News
But, look busy or something.
The site is being updated just as soon as I stop being lazy. But for now, I go drinking.
7/10
–scott
February 1st, 2008 — Movies
Ok, e-pals, this one is pretty long, so hold on to your keyboards. You can use an arrow key or page-down to scroll along since you can’t use the mouse, what with the all the holding on you’re doing like I told you to.
phil: Prophetic in that it foresaw the death of Sir Alec Guinness.
angus: Racist.
will: I’m not even sure why anyone gives a shit, it was a long time ago AND in a galaxy far far away. So even if we ever managed to travel to other galaxies, HIGHLY DOUBTFUL, all of this shit would have long since gone down. What an irrelevant movie.
illuminoid: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, film stars began a never ending war with each other.
cara: A whiny kid becomes a hero… kind of like in The Goonies - but in space.
matt: It’s like a bad fantasy novel, child of destiny and all, except that there are also spaceships and Harrison Ford.
scott: Every joke about Star Wars has been made already, so I’m just going to sit here and make noises like Salacious Crumb until someone hits me.
phil: 3 1/2 more hours of gay midgets in some made up fairy tale land with big monsters with lame names that only characters in fantasy books have.
angus: Long.
will: The fact that this movie is twelfth is just further proof that it’s watching one of the above movies three or four times instead of watching this once. Plus, it’ll take less time. Or, watching a third of Seven Samurai.
illuminoid: Saturn learned of the murder plot and went on a quest to seek help.. Then it came back. With a vengeance.
cara: Kind of reminds me of The Goonies - but with more short people.
matt: Responsible for hundreds of Elvish wedding vows world-wide.
scott: I was disappointed when this movie wasn’t about Bruce Campbell. I was also disappointed that Gimli didn’t live in a pile of garbage like the dwarf from the Dungeons & Dragons movie.
phil: If you had to do jury duty, you’d be angry too.
angus: Sounds like the name of a novel movie review blog OH WAIT.
will: Rankings don’t lie: twelve pissed off dudes can’t handle seven calm Japanese swordsmen.
illuminoid: So. Angry.
cara: 11 tall angry juror people & a Fonda
matt: These men are probably angry that every TV series and dozens of films have re-hashed the exact same plot at least once.
scott: Oh wow, a room full of white guys making important decisions.
phil: Jimmy Stewart is a pervert with a broken leg, but his neighbour…is a murderer.
angus: Colonoscopy footage, Wagner soundtrack.
will: AKA anal sex.
illuminoid: It’s what you look out of in the car of hindsight.
cara: Hitchcock should have cast uglier voyeurs. If I was as hot as James Stewart or Grace Kelly at the time of this flick, I wouldn’t have been glancing at anything but mirrors and possibly my co-star.
matt: I tried re-enacting this film when I was sick once and staring out my window into reality was much less interesting.
scott: Voyeurism helps people, just like I told the judge.
phil: Apparently, snitches live in the boonies.
angus: Goodfellas with joe pesci.
will: Like Godfather II with more Pesci.
illuminoid: These guys are fuckin’ good, okay?!
cara: Scorsese trying his hand at Coppola.
matt: I thank this film for being a large influence on Grand Theft Auto.
scott: I liked this better when they were cartoon pigeons; at least that would explain why Pesci was constantly shitting on the cars on my road.
phil: Who the fuck are the fanboys already voting it this high?
angus: I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE. I DRINK IT UP!
will: I haven’t even seen this yet. Glad to see that IMDB’s waiting until at least the DVD release so people can sit on movies for a while before they give it a 10/10 OH WAIT
illuminoid: <Yoda>There will be.</Yoda>
cara: I should watch this. Since I haven’t gotten around to it yet, I’ll say that it’s PT Anderson’s attempt at Wes Anderson - think Rushmore but possibly with more blood.
matt: Daniel-Day Lewis is going to drink your milkshake, and he’s going to like it.
scott: There Will Be a Mustache.
phil: I’m sure more people get killed in Rio than they do in Detroit.
angus: Uplifting. A tribute to the human spirit.
will: I was bummed to find out that a movie about Brazilian kids was not based on a rag-tag soccer team with a dream.
illuminoid: Oh look, it’s a movie with a title in a dead language. How quaint.
cara: God smites a city. No wait… I’m going to actually quote an IMDb user who made a comment about the film because I don’t really think the film deserves to be a film in the top 20 so I’ll let someone else speak about the film for me because I think that they have a better impression of the film:
“I have made an effort to watch all the movies in IMDb’s top 100 rated list. As of now, I’m looking for a place where the DVD for Sunset Blvd. is (currently at #30). But this movie is one of the movies I’ve seen that’s on the list. And I find it an amazing film (currently #5 on my top 10 list). What I enjoy about this film is the visual look of the film, but also the way the director puts you in the story. At the end of the film you have become friends with just about everyone in the film, even though some of the characters are very despicable people. The violence hits you in the chest like a load of bricks sometimes, especially when you recognize that many of the kids involved in the violence are right around 10 or 11, but you also realize that this reflects the culture of the slum these kids live in.
Gangster films always seem to make for good dramas (e.g. the Godfather, Goodfellas), where the culture of evil almost always triumphs as the dominant character. This film is no different, but it shows the life of children in places where bribery and corruption reigns supreme. It also shows the bravery of many of these people when even the government won’t stick up for them.
If you’re thinking of starting to watch some foreign language films, this is a good place to start. It is a classic IMO among films made in languages besides English. I did find that the subtitles in this film were done rather poorly (they displayed on my DVD player at the wrong times and it took a few plays to figure out who was saying what.) But I think the film itself is a truly great film.”
–michaelgs from Arlington, TX
matt: Further proof that children will kill you if given half a chance. Their other interests include drug running and chasing chickens in cinematic slow-motion.
scott: Look how happy that little scamp is! We should arm all the children of the world with that kind of smile - by which I mean give them pistols.
phil: In the end, it’s the wrath of God that destroys the Nazis. Everybody wins.
angus: Nazis, win.
will: Out of all of the Harrison Ford movies, this one makes the list? Uhh, HELLO, WORKING GIRL? Oh wait, there are a couple of his movies up here, huh. Fucking Star Wars.
illuminoid: I think this is where indie films began, it’s about some guy people keep calling Indie.
cara: Proves once again that the French New Wave has no business competing with Hollywood blockbusters in the INTERNATIONAL Movie Database’s top 20 films of all time.
matt: Further proof that the only good Nazi is a molten Nazi.
scott: The greatest “replacing a thing with another thing of similar weight” scene ever.
phil: They’re quite the determined fellowship.
angus: Also long.
will: Really? If you’re into long, wanky, epic snorefests, play Final Fantasy VIII and stop going to IMDb. It’s like ten Peter Jackson movies long! That’s right, 80 hours!
illuminoid: The rings of Saturn conspire to murder the very planet that holds them together.
cara: Again, reminiscent of The Goonies. More Elves, this time, though.
matt: This movie put Orlando Bloom’s void of charisma in several more leading roles and I’m not sure I can ever forgive it for that.
scott: Fine! Forget I said anything, go back to your LARPing geez.
phil: Revisionist history of the American frontier by Italians.
angus: Foreign.
will: I haven’t seen it but with a name like that I bet it’s a remake of Rapunzel.
illuminoid: I have NO idea!
cara: It’s actually a pretty damn good Spaghetti Western + a Fonda.
matt: Slightly less inspired by Kurosawa films than every other famous Western.
scott: I wonder if this will make me hate cowboys any less.
20/250
January 30th, 2008 — Movies
I decided that for today’s update, we should do something different (easier) here at the Spoilerist.
Prepare to have the Top 250 movies from IMDb.com torn apart by our cunningly short appraisals! Wait, there’s no time for preparation - I’m sorry!
will: It’s like The Sopranos with less titties.
scott: Easily the Godfather of all Godfather movies.
phil: Maybe it’s just me, but these Italians aren’t very good Catholics.
paul: Pacino smoulders like a slow-cooking calzone, whilst Brando sizzles like a Double Quarterpounder with cheese.
will: This is what happens when you tell Sean Connery to communicate the real title to the producers, “The Saw Sank Redempt’s In,” and they roll with it.
scott: After spending 19 years incarcerated, a holiday in Mexico is a nice way to forget about all the prison rape.
phil: It’s another movie where Morgan Freeman plays some white guy’s best friend.
paul: This is “The Green Mile”, except it involves a white person; so he gets away instead of being “put down” by “The Man”.
will: It’s like Goodfellas with less Pesci.
scott: Easily the Godfather of all Godfather movie sequels.
phil: This movie was made back when Robert DeNiro couldn’t speak English.
paul: “Heat, Part 1/2″
will: Spaghetti penne Roma Valencia cabrone!!!!!!!
scott: “I am up for a part in a movie! I play Ugly!” “I’m so proud of you, my cinematically hideous son.”
phil: I think this is Italian for ‘The Good, the Bad & the Ugly.’
paul: Grimy Eli Wallach builds a handgun while unsuccessfully bathing himself, and promptly shoots a guy.
will: The best film ever sponsored by Sunkist’s new paperback division.
scott: Will that pun made me so angry I’m going to shoot you the next time you walk out of a bathroom.
phil: Heroin is not cocaine & it should not be snorted nor injected for that matter.
paul: A film with unnecessary swearing? Muthafuckin’ right, muthafucka!
will: That guy sure missed a loooooot of people on is list. What, six million? What a dick.
scott: Kind of like Santa’s list but with substantially more dead Jews. OK, I haven’t watched this movie because it’s too “important” and “long,” so as far as I’m concerned, everyone gets out just fine.
phil: It’s another one of those movies that try to make bad people look not as bad as they really are.
paul: A Nazi with no pants on tries to rape and shoot/gas everyone (WWII in a nutshell).
will: The only thing better than Jack Nicholson: Lobotomy.
scott: One? One what? Damn it, these mysteries will haunt me until I go crazy and start throwing shit through windows.
phil: Nurse Ratched kinda turns me on.
paul: An indian smothers Jack Nicholson with a pillow, fulfilling all of our hopes and dreams.
will: How did this movie come in the top ten? Is the internet full of fuckin’ nerds or something? Oh… oh, it is? Never mind.
scott: If you take away the John Williams score, it gets far less epic and much more retardonkulous.
phil: This movie has unintentional incest, which is kind of hot.
paul: Scott hates this one because it has lots of Chewbacca.
will: Moroccan for “Box of white wine,” ROSEBUDDDDD!!!!!
scott: If I watched this, a million references would suddenly make more sense - but at what cost?
phil: It’s got that Peter Lorre guy whom I really like.
paul: “Eeyy, schweethait”!! (Doesn’t Bogey look like a proto-Fonze??)
will: Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, Raphael, Musashi, Zatoichi, and Tom Cruise fight Hirohito’s men alongside Ben Affleck in this wartime flick about missing the point. Hirohito wins.
scott: No Samurai? I’ve seen this and there are at least five samurai. Crazy Japan!
phil: Why is it that they don’t pluralize ’samurai’?
paul: Samurai helping peasants? (historical “reimagining”)
10/250
January 28th, 2008 — Movies
We are not alone in the universe. There are alternate parallel universes that look superficially like ours, but wherein people have cool shit like animal spirits called “daemons”. Basically, if you’re a human in this particular alternate world, your soul is not inside your body, but in a witch’s familiar that follows you around and is basically your id or anxieties in furry/feathery form. Oh, and there’s this shit called “Dust” which is apparently pretty important to the plot of the film, but like all of this last paragraph it is super-condensed in a little nugget thrust down your throat in the first five seconds of the film by omniscient witch narration.
Young Lyra is a guff-talkin’ British guttersnape (is there a female version of guttersnape? Guttersnapette?) whom loves telling fibs to her lower-stationed friends. She gets into all sorts of mischief, but we soon get to the heart of the story, which much like all fantasy stories involves destiny, and shit. Lyra is bequeathed the Golden Compass (I feel like capitalizing it because it’s the only one left in the world.) and stuff quickly becomes really complicated for her. Her “uncle” Lord Azriel, is an expert on “Dust” and shit, so he’s perfectly suited to lead an expedition to the north to investigate the first rift of “Dust” that seems to lead to an alternate world. This is getting draggy, so I will revert to point-form…
-Nicole Kidman is the sinister blonde Marisa Coulter, whose defining characteristics are brutality, totalitarian zeal, and a creepy golden monkey daemon who loves to touch shit and shriek like it has Tourettes. Oh, and she’s an evil member of the Magisterium, who are the bad guys of the film. How are they evil? They kidnap random poor people-kids and use Tesla coils to magically separate them from their daemons. Of course, the most annoying daemon is exempt from this cruelty. Golden monkeys are not made of solid gold, bitch! It’s just a species name!
-Daniel Craig plays Lord Azriel, an interesting character who is relegated to background duty and every now and then explaining to Lyra how dangerously stupid she is. After a brief few scenes, he is shot at by parallel-world Mongolian goons who seem to live in this world’s Norway? His secret ultra-power pet is a snowy leopard who likes to attack people, and pin other, smaller daemons to the floor; I presume in order to molest them. Ah, cat molesters… They really are like the smooth, spanish pedophiles of the animal kingdom. You know, inherently, that it’s wrong for a cat to rub its genitals on you, but it’s hard to resist, because they’re sooo charismatic!
-Dakota Blue Richards plays Lyra, whom is kind of cool, but I’m really sick of children of destiny in fantasy films, so zero points… Her mighty-morphic personality pet is Pan, who is actually really awesome. Daemons of children are not “set” in one form, so Pan spends the film zipping around, transmogrifying from ferret, to mouse, to hummingbird. He is voiced by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. No chocolate! NO! Get! Get out of here!
-Ian McKellen plays a GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEAR WHO WEARS ARMOUR GETS DRUNK AND FUCKS SHIT UP!!! Iorek is scary in polar bear form, as he combines Gandalf’s terrifying voicework with a GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEAR’s code-of-warrior honour. Sort of like a GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEAR knight, only without the raping and pillaging of CRUSADES 1-5, 7, 8, and 9. Anyway, he is pretty fucking cool, and when he has to fight the GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEAR KING for the throne, he totally owns this fucking PG-rated bullshit by punching GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEAR KING in the face, and ripping the cocksucker’s lower jaw off. I guess violence shown to children is okay as long as they’re fantastic GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEARS generated with CGI. Good message we’re sending to dem kids… Anyway, Lyra finds Iorek’s suit of armour in town, and helps GFPB to find his inner Klingon, to get him psyched into killing GFBP king. He also invokes a Wookie life pledge, and swears to defend Lyra to the end of her campaign. He kills lots of Mongolians, and causes their pet daemon wolves and mastiffs to dissolve into “Dust”.
-Gypsies!!! Instead in this parallel universe they’re called Gyptians. Oh, and they don’t fleece towners for money, smell of amusement park rides, or live in badly-kitted R/Vs. Wait! How are they like Gypsies? Well, because they wear bandanas, gaudy jewelry, and swear sinister BLOOD OATHS! But these Gyptians are cool, as they just want to rescue their kids from the Magisterium’s soul-sucking machine. They scream and throw axes and stuff. Pretty good, for a filthy gypsy scum. <spits and makes warding gesture>
-Norwegian mongolians!!! Possibly the biggest news from the movie. Who knew that a faceless, inaccurately asian people of murderous mercenaries could be so wonderful? They all have bloodthirsty wolves as their daemons. Norwegian Mongols don’t fuck around, and don’t suck no dick, but they still take it up the ass; both from vengeful Gypsy parents, and a GIGANTIC FUCKING POLAR BEAR.
-RANDOM MAGISTERIUM: INNER SINISTERIUM CONSORTIUM. Some random, aristocratic, bad-guy bosses whom meet around an evil board room table, and talk about how evil they are… They are: CHRISTOPHER LEE!!! DEREK JACBOI!!, and some other random British dudes.
-Cowboy dude! Played by the venerable Sam Elliott (whom is basically a cowboy IRL). I liked the idea of this character as a Han Solo-type, but he was basically useless to the film beyond helping save Iorek from being killed by using cowboy guns!
-Witches!!! They are the much-glossed over powerful figures of this universe. I assume that they will play a bigger part in the trilogy. I also assume that Serafina is Lyra’s real mom, not that blonde, gold-monkey-obsessed Nicole Kidman. I have nothing to say other than the fact that Eva Green is very nice on the eyes, and I totally know what she’s thinking when she clutches her magical piece of wood. I have magic wood, too Eva! Look me up!
Basically, all these characters either partner-up, or try to confound/kill/kidnap the other characters in the story, until finally the children are saved! There’s a big battle, and Lyra blows up the evil Magisterium asylum/lab. And we are left with what will surely be sequels.
What ever happened to the self-contained fantasy films? Willow? Dragonslayer? I know this is based on the book, and that they were intended to be serialized, but this film had the most jarring ending/set-up for the next film that I’ve ever seen… It basically has them flying away, resolving nothing else, but promising that they’ll show you what happens in the next one. While this can get you psyched to read the next book or see the next film if you’re a fanatic, it does nothing for the casual viewer… I FINALLY understand the reaction of people whom are not obsessed with LOTR, or get wet whenever Star Wars films are mentioned. They are just apathetic! I finally understand!
P.S: Lyra has pretty ugly ears, so she should always wear those woolen caps.
6/10
–paul